Internet Horoscope 11.29-12.05
Hello, my little internet babies! The internet stars tell me that this is going to be a CRAZY week here on the internet. Expect long threads of arguments that don’t quite make sense but that everyone will feel compelled to jump in on. In other words, it’s going to be one of the most entertaining internet weeks we’ve seen all year!
Keywords: truth, conflict, anger, energy, excitement, fun
Trending topics: #youdontgetit, #fuckyou, #justsayin and... #surprise!
*Colors in text and video correspond to your sign’s ‘favorable’ color.
Aries!! Did you back up your data last week like I asked you to? I’m sure a lot of you didn’t and I just hope its not too late...
You decided to put yourself out there full force this week but it’s a risky week for that! Thing is..you like risks.
>> No one is as excited about your contributions as you thought they would be. I’d say ignore the haters and keep it up. Try not to lose your temper... they’ll get it later.
//Accept friend all requests this week.
Taurus. You’re really eager to make your internet mark this week but try to remember you don’t like risks. You’re going to be uncharacteristically brave and jump in on a heated facebook thread to take up for a new friend. This is going to backfire. Back out as gracefully as you can and try to keep from checking the notifications every few seconds. //Tip: Unfollow that post!
Gemini! Speaking of unfollowing posts, be careful of your unhealthy internet habits regarding that past lover. It’s time to recode those thoughts and redirect those actions. There is a big chance you will meet someone new this week in a corner of the internet that you never expected... but I wouldn’t delete your OkCupid profile just yet.
Cancer, last week I urged you to start tracking your food on a nutrition website or mobile app, but who would really do that? I came up with a new plan for this week. When you have an irrational food craving - first off - don’t tweet about it. Do a google image search of the food you are craving, count 7 rows down and 3 columns to the left. Meditate on this image and distance yourself from the emotional craving by analyzing it objectively as a visual object. The more clever of you can take this a step further by trying to create a new meme based on this image. 1 of you will become famous that that meme this week..and when you do, be sure to link back to me [Sarah Weis] as the original creator.
Leo, you are fucking out of control this week. You are gonna be running your mouth off in every possible place you can and people are going to react! And you are going to react right back! Your posts will start threads with 100+ comments and you are going to be fueling this shit all the way down and loving every minute of it. Your friend count will drop this week but you are hot shit and don’t even care! Change your profile pic to something fierce and burn the house down, baby!!!
Virgo, you might be the one sign that will escape all the dramatic bullshit this week. This will be a homey and focused week for you - you’re going to rearrange your desktop and make a breakthrough on the local groundwork of an online project. Every once in a while you’ll sign on and roll your eyes, not feeling the need to add to the trainwreck you see on your screen. When you start chatting you will notice yourself being pulled into immature feuds you don’t understand and asked to take sides. Don’t type what you really think - Just sign off.
Libra, you actually DID back up your files last week [I wouldn't ever have to remind you!] Your new internet friendships and collaborations are continuing in full force. Your time online is best spent in groups that relate to your physical locale. You will write a thoughtful email to someone from your past. Editing your thoughts is important this week! I don’t see you having any problem with that!!
Scorpio, I have just one thing to say to you:
:()
That’s it. Don’t get jealous - it’s a good one!
Sagittarius!!!! This is your week! It’s all your fault that everyone is expressing such harsh and brutal honesty this week and you’re having a lot of fun watching it all go down. You’re laughing your ass off every time you check your newsfeed, commenting and liking up a storm, but not getting too wrapped up in the mess. In fact, you are super-productive on creative projects this week and feel great! Mwah!
Capricorn, this week you are going to delete every post on your blog that feels trivial and publish 1 new one that reflects the wisdom you have now. This will happen just in time b/c someone very influential is going to start following you this week and this person will bring you support in way you didn’t even know you needed. Besides this you should really just chill this week. I do realize that you won’t be able to keep from chiming in every once in a while to tell everyone how stupid they are and that’s fine.
//Hide posts from friends who annoy you.
Aquarius! You just learned a new web development skill and are eager you redo your entire website. This isn’t a good time to “launch” something new so I’d hold back and just make some tweaks here and there. You are very popular on social networks this week and are going to come out with some of the funniest zingers in those disastrous threads that I keep talking about [which should be going down any moment now]. Go check what your Leo friends are saying and see if you can fit in a couple of hilarious “first” comments before things get out of hand.
Pisces... it’s nice to end with you b/c you are so inspired and on top of things this week. This is an exciting week for your internet career and you are feeling more professional than ever! [Don’t join LinkedIn though, ever, any of you, no matter what your sign.] You keep doing what you are doing, Pisces. Don’t let all your friends’ internet problems get you down! I’ll see you on our shared google doc soon!
And I’ll see all of you next week with another amazing round of Internet Horoscopes! Bye!